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Early one morning, Rob and the Easter Bunny met in a sunny, dew-pearled meadow. The rabbit had a basket of Easter eggs at his side.
ROB: I know this is your busy season so thanks for taking the time.
EASTER BUNNY: Always happy to spread the word.
R: So maybe we can start at the beginning. Where are you from?
EB: New Jersey.
R: Originally?
EB: No. Originally my family of Easter Hares come from Germany.
R: And what’s the difference between a hare and a rabbit?
EB: Well, rabbits are considered superior in every way, shape, and form.
R: Hmm. Is that a consensus?
EB: In my family, yes.
R: Is everyone in your family in the Easter game? EB: Oh no. Some are in landscaping. Some are into magic, popping out of hats and that sort of thing. A few work the petting zoos. And some… well, we don’t talk too much about this, but some prefer a life of crime.
R: Really?
EB: Sadly, yes. I don’t want to name names but he came from a good family. And in spite of being given all the advantages in the world, he would steal carrots.
R: Oh. Is that a crime?
EB: For Peter? No. It’s a game. He’s a thrill-seeker. But tell that to the farmer. He doesn’t joke about root vegetables.
R: Fair enough. What made you decide to get into Easter?
EB: I like the hours. Spring is very good for me. It’s me at my best.
R: Great. Let’s talk about eggs.
EB: Let’s talk about eggs.
R: (refers to notes) I mean, rabbits while well-known for their reproductive habits, do not reproduce with eggs, do they?
EB: No, they do not.
R: (refers to Easter Basket) So whose eggs are these?
EB: Well, the hard-boiled ones I get at the market. The plastic ones from the Dollar Store. The cascarones you can get at any Mexican supermarket.
R: So why would a rabbit—I’m sorry are you a rabbit or bunny? EB: Both. People often confuse the words but “bunny” is just a term of endearment, not a scientific classification. It’s not like “puppy”. So “bunny rabbit” is fine.
R: I see. So why would a bunny rabbit pass out eggs?
EB: Some say the Easter Bunny is a symbol of fertility or Spring. Others say the Easter egg symbolizes the empty tomb of Jesus.
R: But baby rabbits don’t come from eggs and the eggs you give out have candy or money or confetti or whatever. They’re not empty.
EB: Look, you didn’t hear it from me but… (looks around) I think the Easter Bunny, the symbol, is kind of a mixed metaphor.
R: Hmm. Speaking of… are you affiliated with the church?
EB: Not officially, no. That’s why this is a bit tricky. I mean, they know I’m here. I know they’re there. But the Venn diagram of us two would look like two separate eggs.
R: I think a Venn diagram is circles.
EB: I don’t think so. Anyway, if there is any overlap in the eggs, it’d be tiny.
R: (refers to notes) And another thing. You’re a bunny rabbit which means, I assume, you hop?
EB: You find that out all by yourself?
R: Well, how does that work… you know, hopping with a basket of eggs?
EB: I can tell you it takes practice. You want a good basket. Something with a little give. And you know that filler in the basket?
R: That fake-grass stuff?
EB: Exactly. A good, thick bed of that stuff helps. But, truth be told, not every egg makes it.
R: Do you think a not-hopping creature would have made more sense with a basket of eggs?
EB: You’re a tough interview.
R: Because I just think if I was holding a basket of eggs, I mean the absolute last thing I’d do is hop.
EB: Can we move on? R: One follow up on the eggs…
EB: You’re like a broken record.
R: I assume you want the kids to get them? EB: I do indeed.
R: So why do you hide them?
EB: Why do kids play hide and seek? Because it’s fun.
R: Fine. But there’s always a few eggs that are never found until you run over them with a lawnmower. Is that fun?
EB: Certainly.
R: For who?
EB: For me.
R: Hmm. Moving on. How did the eggs–
EB: It’s like a fixation with you.
R: There are Peeps and Cadbury things and jelly beans and the list goes on— How did the eggs evolve into candy?
EB: Do you have something against Peeps?
R: I have something against mainlining stupid amounts of sugar to kids at every turn.
EB: Because I was just chillin’ with my Peeps.
R: Is that a “no comment”?
EB: Do you get invited to a lot of parties? R: I do not.
EB: Look, man. I don’t work for the candy companies. But it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that when kids are involved, those guys are going to throw what they got at the situation and see what sticks.
R: You don’t get a kickback on the candy?
EB: I get free product, that’s all. But how many Peeps can one bunny rabbit eat?
R: I don’t know. How many?
EB: My question was rhetorical.
R: Mine was not.
EB: How many Peeps do I eat? A year? One. Well, more like a three-quarters of one. I like the idea of Peeps. I mean, they’re a good-lookin’ candy. And if you air ‘em out for a day or two, but not too long or they go stale, they can hit the spot. But I’ve never eaten more than one. Never. They’re too sweet for me. To be honest, I’m not into any of the candy. Now if there was an Easter radish! Or an Easter carrot! Doesn’t that sound great?
R: Well, it would certainly make a lot more sense than an Easter egg. But I’m not sure my kids would feel the same way. (then) Look, I’m sorry if I’m coming in hot. My readers want the hard-hitting piece.
EB: They want a hard-hitting piece… on the Easter Bunny?
R: They’re a blood-thirsty bunch.
EB: I guess so. Do they want to hear about pastels?
R: Umm… no thanks. Look, we can wrap it up. The big day’s approaching. I wish you the best.
EB: Thank you.
R: How will you spend the off-season?
EB: I’m going to travel.
R: Oh yeah? Where to? EB: Easter Island.
R: Safe travels.
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