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Is there a better summer accessory than sunglasses? Shades, as the cool kids don’t call them, are ideal for people who are into optometric health and not squinting. Sunglasses are also good for hiding tells and, if you can dig it, being cool.
This year our son attended a water-sports-focused summer camp, and they recommended sunglass straps. Sunglass straps are useful in water sports because the person might end up in the drink and a strap means your shades won’t sink. But instead of one pair we ended up with a pack of ten. And, like passing a bowl of chips, even though I wasn’t in the market, I helped myself.
A sunglass strap is leisure wear for the active-sort. The shades may fall off your face but they’re not leaving your person. But, since I’m not into water sports, sunglass straps for me have but one purpose: I no longer have to hold my own sunglasses.
But here’s a secret: Sunglass straps are a different way of living in the world. Now, when I strap on, it’s for the day. My blood pressure goes down and my body knows it’s time to take ‘er easy. For me, this is the exact opposite of the mindset I need to write. I like to stir the pot, ruffle some feathers, and get myself riled up! None of those are achievable when you’re sporting sunglass straps?!
How am I supposed to take’er easy and write these words that require blood, sweat, and tears? Sure, I prefer someone else’s blood, sweat, and tears, sure, but still. These straps are not helping.
Sunglass straps change you as a person. People have called me a lot of unprintable, colorful names, but no one ever has ever – and I mean ever – called me “laid back”. And yet, in a sunglasses strap, that’s what I am?! I’m a different guy. People ask me what I’m doing? Just chillin’. I once used the word “copacetic” without a hint of irony. And before I knew it, the phrase, “It’s all good” came out of my mouth?!
Also, I’m old enough that I wear cheaters to read and write. So right this second, I’m wearing cheaters on my face while my sunglasses dangle around my neck. Hey, four eyes, you looking at me?! There’s room for another pair atop my head. Where, I’d like to know, does it end?
Sunglass straps also change you in other ways. I mean, I never listened to The Grateful Dead before. But now I’ve got playlists with Jimmy Buffet, Steely Dan, and I favor footwear with open toes.
Now I even think about when to put my sunglasses on. Because, in the past, wearing sunglasses was a when-in-the-sun kind of thing. But now sunglasses are tethered to my person from the moment I walk out that front door until the “Honey, I’m home” end of day. If I have to eat or give someone a hug, I just turn them around. Then I’m a whole other guy?! I’m That Guy?! And I used to just put my sunglasses in a bowl with my keys for the night but now they’re on a strap… maybe I should hang them from a hook? Am I really going to get my sunglasses their own hook?!
In the end, Kenny Rogers said: “You have to know when to hold ‘em”. He meant holding sunglasses is not a job I need to outsource. I don’t need to delegate this. I will take full responsibility. I need not countenance an accessory for my accessory! Thus, my sunglass strap has been retired. Please do not invite me to participate in your water sports.
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