A Royal Summary

 

Before I start, I want to clarify that I have no interest in royals. I do not read about royals in the newspapers or books. I do not watch shows or movies on royals. I do not believe there should even be royals. But other earthlings can’t get enough of the royals so “journalists” churn story after story out on the topic. But where does it start/end? This column is a royal summary, written by someone who has gleamed everything he knows about the topic from headlines.

FACT: A handful of people who descended from monarchs of old are currently living in fancy palaces in Great Britain and considered “royal”.

FACT (Repeated): In 2023, many people believe that one family is, by blood, meaning just because they are the offspring of certain parents, royal.

CLARIFICATION: A king or a queen can only rise to the position if their parents had parents who also had parents who were also royal. In other words, only a royal can be royal. Yes, you, little commoner can marry a royal. But that doesn’t make you royal. It makes you better than a little commoner, nothing more.

ADDITIONAL CLARIFICATION: The royal rules – who is and is not royal, what powers they possess – change as needed. For example, royals used to have real power over things like laws and war. Now, however, royals mostly rule ribbon cutting ceremonies, which is still power, albeit a slightly more limited ribbony kind. Another thing to keep in mind about these changing rules: They are, like a Disney movie, completely made up, one assumes, by people with a vested interest in maintaining the royal myth.

FUN FACT: Great Britain is one of twelve countries/principalities in Europe alone that boasts royals. (That has nothing to do with this column. But it’s indeed a fact.)

SO, WHAT’S HAPPENING WITH THE BRITISH ROYAL FAMILY TODAY? The Royal family attracts a lot of attention for being so royal and paparazzi take a lot of pictures of them in compromising moments/ situations. Both the royals and public are Shocked! Shocked! to learn what precisely is going on.

BUT BACK TO THE FACTS: The royal family had two princes.

The only two princes I ever heard of was a song by the Spin Doctors that was very unlikely hit in 1992. But here in the real world, I thought there could only be one prince. You know, the heir to the throne? But apparently there’s two. I have no idea how that works.

FACT: One prince is named Harry.

Prince Harry is a prince. Or was a prince. I’m not sure. Some still call him prince. But now this British royalty lives in America. And to the best of my knowledge, America has only one Prince. He’s purple, hails from Minneapolis, and is best known for Purple Rain.

FACT: Prince Harry met a girl that he liked in that special, boy/girl way.

The girl was smart and nice and pretty, but she was American and half black, neither of which was, according to people who care about this sort of thing, acceptable.

FACT: The British royal family is very, very white and allowing a woman who is half-black into the lineage would make the royal family less white. Also, racism is a thing. Thus, depending on who you ask, Prince Harry and his new girl either left or were forced out the royal family. And, since royals live off stipends paid for with British public funds and Prince Harry was no longer royal, he needed a new way to make a living.

FACT: Prince Harry and his wife sold their story to Netflix (it’s now a special) and Harry also wrote a book. Before either the Netflix special or book saw the light of day, they were immediately denounced by the mostly British media as an absolutely outrageous exploitation of the royal family. Of course, this is the mostly British media who gave the public incessant, unflinching, racist coverage of the royal family not as an outrageous exploitation of the royal family – but as a public service.

CONCLUSION: I am not a royalist. I will never be a royalist. And I maintain my disinterest in royals. Thus, I will not be watching the Netflix special, nor will I be reading the new book by Prince Harry. On the other hand, I do enjoy watching the tabloids and royalists who consume these tabloids complain about the damage to the crown. Naked hypocrisy is fun! The best part is, of course, I don’t have to actually read any of it to know what’s going on. I got everything I know about royals from headlines!