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University of Glasgow, Scotland. 1848.
The University Café is filled with Professors eating lunch. William Thompson, 24, sits at a table, his notes spread out in front of him, impatiently waiting for a colleague. Finally, George Williams, 30, joins, sitting across from William.
George: I am starving.
William: George, you’re not going to believe this!
G: What’s the special? Haggis?
W: What? No. I don’t know. Listen. I’m onto something very big here.
G: So, no haggis?
W: Forget the haggis. If I’m right about this. And I checked the numbers. I’ve made a once in a lifetime discovery.
G: (eyes a plate of passing food) The neeps and tatties look good.
W: Would you pay attention?
G: Okay. Once in a lifetime. Lots of numbers. Whadye got?
W: (dramatically) I have created a new system of measurement.
G: A new way of measuring distances? I like it. This imperialist system is the worst.
W: No. Not distances. Temperature.
G: You came up with a new scale for measuring… temperature? W: Exactly!
G: I didn’t realize people were unhappy with the old scale. I mean, I guess Fahrenheit is idiotic. But centigrade seems pretty straightforward. Zero is freezing. One hundred is boiling.
W: No, no. My scale measures the temperature of thermodynamics.
G: Oh. Ah. Okay. I see. (then) One question. What’s thermodynamics?
W: George. I know you’re an English professor but surely you have some rudimentary understanding of science?
G: I teach Chaucer. You know who never mentions thermodynamics? Chaucer.
W: Look, when you cannot express it in numbers, your knowledge…
G: “–your knowledge is of the meagre and unsatisfactory kind.” Yes. You keep saying that. Fine. So, you’re going to measure thermodynamics with numbers? Like the height?
W: No, no the—
G: The weight?
W: No! The temperature!
G: Oh, right. The temperature. You said that. And why can’t centigrade do that?
W: Well, technically it can. But I shift the starting point of my scale from the melting point of water to absolute zero.
G: And that’s good?
W: The range of temperatures on my scale is far bigger than anything going on in centigrade.
G: But centigrade is just a number, right?
W: Well, yes but—
G: I’m no mathematician but aren’t there more numbers in either direction?
W: Yes, but my scale is absolute.
G: Ohhhh. Absolute. … Well, that’s something.
W: It’s everything! Freezing is 273.15. Boiling is 373.15.
G: Hmm.
W: Whadye mean “hmmm”?
G: Well, I’m no expert but that sounds like you just pushed centigrade 273 degrees over. W: 273.15 over. But no. I didn’t. (offers his papers) Would you like to see the math?
G: (vaguely glances at them) Oh, yes. That’s math alright.
W: But get this. My scale also measures the temperature of color.
G: I’m sorry? Your scale measures the temperature of… color?
W: Yes!
G: William?
W: Yes?
G: Billy Boy?
W: Yes?
G: Have you been drinking?
W: No!! I’m telling you this scale can measure the temperature of color!
G: Okay. Does this scale of yours also measure the temperature of… shapes?
W: Would you care to look at the math?!
G: William, it all sounds a bit wild.
W: It is wild! It’s a whole new scale!
G: Okay. Fine. What do you call this new scale? W: That’s the best part.
G: It is? W: Yes, I came up with a good name.
G: Oh, I like a good name.
W: This is a good name.
G: Okay. Lay it on me.
W: I call this scale… Kelvin.
G: The Kelvin scale?
W: The Kelvin scale.
G: (considers) It’s better than Centigrade.
W: I know, right!
G: Centigrade is a terrible name.
W: We certainly agree on that.
G: Okay, so right now it’s about… 283 degrees Kelvin?
W: When you say a temperature, you just say – it’s 283 Kelvin.
G: No degrees?
W: No degrees.
G: Just Kelvin? W: Just Kelvin. It’s cleaner that way. (dramatically) And that, in a nutshell, is the Kelvin scale.
G: Well, um, good luck with that.
The Waiter wanders up to the table.
Waiter: Gentlemen, the special of the day is Cullen Skink.
G: Fantastic. I’ll have that.
William Thompson sighs, closes his book of papers.
W: (resigned) I’ll have the same.
Waiter: Very good.
–
CODA: William Thompson would later be ennobled to Lord Kelvin for his scale. In 1948 Centigrade would become Celsius. And Fahrenheit would remain the dumbest way to measure temperature.
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