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On North Arm Bay of Lake Minnetonka, Rob sits on the edge of a dock. As the sun sets, Leila the Loon effortlessly floats up. Normally cool and collected, Rob now seems nervous, awkward.
ROB PEREZ: Uhhh… hi. Hello. You must be Leila.
LEILA: Hi Rob.
RP: Wow. I… um… Wow. Thanks for—um, coming.
L: No problem.
RP: Forgive me if I’m out of sorts. You’re just… well, I’ll be blunt. You’re a very attractive bird.
L: Well, thank you.
RP: You’re just so… black. And your stripes and spots are just… You’re very striking.
L: You’re very kind.
RP: Are you a model? L: Well, I work a bit of for the state of Minnesota.
RP: Of course. You’re the state bird. But I’m sure you do more than that.
L: Well, here and there for the Canadian government.
RP: Right. For the Loonie.
L: Yes. But it’s not much.
RP: If I were your agent, you’d be working all the time.
L: Thank you. You wanted to ask me some questions?
RP: Oh, right. Of course. Yes! I have a few here. (Refers to notes) Let’s start with your size. Are you a big duck or a small goose?
L: Well, they say if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and walks like a duck but is actually twice the size of a duck… not a duck.
RP: I was not familiar with that saying. But not a duck. Got it. Then we can scratch the Howard the Duck question. (Rob stares at Leila for a moment.) You might be the most attractive bird on the planet.
L: Thank you.
RP: You’re like distractingly attractive.
L: You’ve seen loons before.
RP: In photographs. Or at a distance. It’s usually fleeting. I’ve never been… face to beak. Your eyes are so red.
L: They help me see underwater. You have more questions?
RP: I do. (Refers to notes) The loon calls are well-known. What are you saying?
L: We have different kinds of calls. The yodel is usually a male voicing some aggression. The tremolo is kind of a distress signal. And of course, sometimes we hoot. But probably the most well-known call is a wail. We wail if we’re separated from our chick.
RP: You’re just a magnificent beast. Color. Size. You’re perfect.
L: Thank you. (Points to notebook) Questions.
RP: (notes) Of course. Are you a fan of the Looney Tunes?
L: I love the Road Runner.
RP: What about Pepe Le Pew?
L: I… respect his commitment.
RP: Do you think romance is important?
L: That’s one of your questions?
RP: I uhh… (refers to notes) The mascot for the Minnesota United is a loon and I, uhh– Look, I don’t usually do this but… are you doing anything later?
L: Yes, I’m nesting.
RP: You wanna get a drink or something?
L: I thought you were married.
RP: Oh, the wife doesn’t read this column.
L: What about your in-laws?
RP: They just skim it.
L: Yes, but still.
RP: Look, you’re making me a bit… well, looney.
L: I’ve heard that one before, Romeo.
RP: It’s just a drink.
L: I have a mate.
RP: Loons don’t mate for life.
L: That’s true but… how would it work? I’m not great on land.
RP: Oh, yeah. I forgot. You’re bad at walking. That was one of my questions. Why do you think you’re so bad at walking?
L: I think my legs are too far back.
RP: In fact, we probably shouldn’t call what you do “walking”. It’s more like… determined falling.
L: Yes, but have you seen me swim?
RP: I have. You swim better than most fish which is why your diet is mainly fish. But you’re right. It would never work on land.
L: You could carry me.
RP: Yeah, great. I’d have a three-year-old in one hand and a big duck in the other.
L: I beg your pardon. I am not a duck.
RP: You’re right. Ducks can walk.
L: Okay. I can meet you for a drink.
RP: No, no. That was a bad idea.
L: It’s just a drink.
RP: No, no. I’m sorry. I didn’t think that through.
L: You said I was beautiful. RP: You are. Very beautiful. Maybe the most beautiful bird on earth. But…
L: One drink?
RP: I… I have to go. Thank you for your time. You’re a very nice loon. Good evening. Rob collects his belongings and, on foot, hurries away from Leila. Leila watches Rob walk away on land with grace and ease that moves her. Leila sighs then dives into the water, out of sight.
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