“I’m such a failure, why didn’t I do x, I should have done y, I’ve failed myself, my family…”
These are thoughts that I’m sure most of us have had at one time or another. We are all scared to fail, or at least I know I’m terrified of it. I want to be the best at my job, the best friend, the best partner. And yet I am constantly falling short, constantly having to admit that I don’t know the answer.
But starting a position as a first time domestic and sexual violence advocate has shifted my perception of what failure means.
On a personal and professional level, I am learning to accept that I can’t know the answer to everything. When I initially fail to answer a question is when I learn. Each time I fail and am forced to seek answers to questions I have never asked before, my view of the world broadens, and I come at least a little bit closer to that “best” I always want to be.
So how does this apply to people who have experienced violence in their relationships? Survivors are often told by their abusers that they are stupid, incapable, unlovable, and the list goes on.
However, in actuality, these individuals are some of the strongest, most capable and intelligent people I have ever met. How much courage does it take to say, this relationship isn’t healthy for me, I’m going to leave? Or the strength it takes to share your story, to tell other people what happened and break through the veil of silence and secrecy. And what about the show of creativity and fortitude it takes to seek out the resources you need?
In my experience, survivors are often ashamed of being in an abusive situation. To anyone who has been in that situation, I would just like to say that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Even if you see it as a failure, a failed relationship, a failed attempt at leaving, a failure to keep the abuser content, it’s only a failure in that it can be what highlights the need for change.
What I see when I look at a survivor is just that, a survivor; someone who has endured the unendurable and has succeeded in their strength. Their experiences have left them with a depth of knowledge about survival, hope, the ability to heal; things that we can all admire and commend as the greatest definition of success.
So with those thoughts, let us shift our idea of failure from the end all be all, or something to fear, and begin to see it as an opportunity that helps us grow, helps us learn, and gives us a depth of character and strength that we may have not known we were capable of.
Each month a local mental health therapist will discuss an area of mental health. This week’s contributor is Marybeth Wilkes, program advocate at the Violence Prevention Center.
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