A Day for … Presidents?

 

There are plenty of things wrong with this country. Too much of this. Too little of that. And, of course, President’s Day. There are many, many dumb things about President’s Day. It’s actually hard to know where to start.

Maybe we could start with a question: Who is President’s Day for? Is it for the Little Man to celebrate the President? Or is it a day for the President to take ‘er easy? Because if it’s for us, the little, non-presidents, um… thanks, I guess. And if President’s Day is for the big guy, the President, um… also thanks, I guess.

Moving on, one of the dumbest things about President’s Day is how utterly generic it is. Maybe President’s Day just wants to celebrate the office itself. I’ve personally never been to the Oval Office but is it really nice enough to celebrate? And if we’re not talking about the literal Oval Office, but the actual President, the man himself, shouldn’t we make some distinction between good Presidents and bad Presidents?

Maybe and I mean MAYBE there’s a version of President’s Day, that’s more like, Every Fifth President’s Day? Or 20 percent of President’s Day! We might even consider, “Every President but James Buchanan Day”. But I don’t want to be too hard on Buchanan. Hasn’t he suffered enough? I mean, many countries descend into civil wars.

Look, I like holidays. Holidays are days that allow you to redefine what you mean by productive. If you’re on a long weekend in Mexico, a never-ending string of Pina Coladas are not going to drink themselves. And compared to other holidays, President’s Day is much less offensive than, say, Columbus Day. That said, President’s Day pops up in the middle of Black History month so here’s a quick history lesson. The United States of America has had forty six Presidents. Twelve Presidents owned slaves. Nine Presidents brought enslaved people to the White House, the office and residence of the President of the United States. (Incidentally, the White House was built with the help of enslaved people. Twice!) But a long weekend in Mexico is still nice this time of year. So are a couple of Pina Coladas. So… President’s Day!

Then I started really looking into this President’s Day thing. President’s Day is the third Monday in February. Okay, that was news but hardly shocking. So, I kept digging and found out something that truly made my jaw drop: President’s Day is not President’s Day. Yes, let me repeat that. The day that we refer to as President’s Day is not actually President’s Day at all. Stay with me here. President’s Day is actually George Washington’s Birthday. Which is big news to me. (But apparently some people already knew this) And maybe someone should mention it to all those “blowout sales events” tied to the holiday. But then again maybe every year around this time, George Washington really liked buying a new mattress. And a car.

I checked into the birthday boy. It turns out that George Washington really turned things around after he chopped down that cherry tree. He was a soldier, a statesman, and founding father. Georgie Pordgie, as no one seems to have called him, was a Commander of the Continental Army and helped defeat England in the American Revolutionary War. He signed the Constitution, which is not the same thing as writing it, but still something. GW was also the first President of the United States, and he has been called the father of the nation.

In short, I would say this George Washington character is a pretty accomplished guy. But I have one question about his legacy: Is the thing he really hoped people would remember about him… his birthday?

If so, great. What do we do about it? Are we supposed to get him a present? Or build him another monument? Or name another school after him? Or maybe we should name another city/state/district after him? He’s already on a coin and a bill.

I’m serious about this. What’s the etiquette here? Are we supposed to throw a party on President’s Day and contemplate the great George Washington and get to the bottom of where the wild, irresponsible rumors about his wooden teeth began? If so, count me in.

Look, I’m not that naïve. I know this nation is very divided right now. It’s hard to agree on anything. But it seems like this is one thing we can come together on: President’s Day, which is not really President’s Day but really George Washington’s birthday, is on the third Monday in February. Also, President’s Day, which is really Washington’s birthday, is a day for all of us to rise above party, whether we’re Whigs, Federalists, or even Tories, we should aspire to get the hell out of town, preferably to somewhere warmer, and drink a couple of Pina Coladas. Whadye say, America? Are you with me?