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A bustling two-story restaurant in a city center. On the mezzanine, ROB sees CUPID, 30s, black suit, white shirt, no tie, sitting at table overlooking the floor below.
ROB: Excuse me. Cupid?
CUPID: (loud whisper) Yeah, yeah. It’s me. Sit. Quick.
Rob quickly sits across from him. Cupid sips from his half-full martini.
R: (loud whisper) What’s… What’s going on? Why are we whispering?
C: Um, that’s probably unnecessary.
Rob notices Cupid’s bow and quiver full of arrows leaning against the railing.
R: (looks over balcony) Are you… on a stakeout?
C: Um, well, I guess you could call it that.
R: Very cool. So, things don’t slow down for you after Valentine’s Day? C: (laughs) Valentine’s Day is like a holiday for me. Don’t confuse the appearance of love with the genuine article.
R: I’ll keep that in mind.
Rob and Cupid see a small group at the bar move towards a table and reveal a stunning beauty in a white dress. She’s also early 30s. This is The Girl.
C: Okay. I got a clean shot.
Still holding his martini, Cupid grabs his bow, pulls an arrow from his quiver, takes aim over the edge of the railing and accidentally drops the arrow below.
C: Whoops.
Still holding his martini, Cupid quickly grabs another arrow, loads it in his bow, takes rough aim, and shoots. The arrow sails well over the head of his target and strikes The Bartender.
C: Crap!
A small group enters the restaurant and obscures The Girl. Cupid puts his bow down, still holding his drink. He finishes it, gestures to a passing Waiter to bring two more.
R: You could put your drink down.
C: Yeah, I’d probably spill less.
R: That’s not what I meant. How are you bad at archery?
C: Apollo’s the archer. I’m the love god.
R: Okay. Let’s talk about love. How’d you get into the game?
C: Well, I guess Mother. All roads lead to Mother.
R: And your mother is Venus?
C: That’s right. She’s the goddess of love, desire, that kind of stuff.
R: So, what exactly is love?
C: What are you, a comedian, asking me what love is?
R: I just thought you might have a catchy little aphorism for us. Never mind. How’s your love life?
C: Mine?
R: Yes, yours.
The small group clears and again Cupid has a clear shot at The Girl. Cupid quickly fires two more arrows, missing each by a lot. Again, a group obscures The Girl and Cupid returns to the interview.
R: Maybe you could watch a YouTube or something?
C: I recently shot myself.
R: How’d you manage that?!
C: Dunno. Got me in the foot.
R: And did you… fall in love?
Cupid nods to The Girl in white on the floor below. The Waiter returns with two martinis. Rob and Cupid pick them up and take a sip.
R: That’s great! Tell me about her!
C: Well, she’s great but…
R: Forbidden?
C: Of course, she’s forbidden?!
R: Great! Now we’re getting somewhere. Why’s she forbidden? (Looks again at Girl) Is she your mother?
C: Gross!! I’ve got problems but they’re not Oedipal.
R: Fair enough.
C: Look, she’s mortal, okay? Yeah. And Mother hates her.
R: Okay, that’s a problem.
Rob drinks thoughtfully from his martini.
R: Why don’t you go talk to her?
C: Who me?
R: Yes, you!
C: What would I say?
R: I dunno?! You don’t know what to say?! You’re a Roman god?!
C: I could tell her about Mother. R: I wouldn’t lead with that.
C: Look, would you… would you go talk to her for me?
R: Who me?
C: Yeah, you could just see if she’s interested.
R: You’re the Roman god of love?!
C: Everyone needs a wingman!
R: I guess. Fine. I’ll do it. But I want to go on record as saying I think me speaking on behalf of Cupid is an absolutely terrible idea.
C: Duly noted.
R: Have you read Roman mythology?
C: I prefer Greek.
R: Strange. But, either way. This kind of plan never goes over well.
C: It’s simple. You chat her up, keep it light. Talk about your column. You seem to love talking about that thing. Then, after a bit, you bring me up.
R: That’s maybe the worst idea I’ve ever heard.
C: What could possibly go wrong?
R: You really should read mythology.
C: Yeah, I’ll put it on my to do list.
Shaking his head, Rob grabs his drink and reluctantly turns to go downstairs. Cupid quickly thrusts an arrow into Rob’s free hand.
C: (re: arrow) Just in case.
R: Fine. What’s her name?
C: Psyche!
Rob shakes his head and disappears down the stairs.
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