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Rob Perez steps out his front door and, surprised, stops in his tracks. Rob finds himself facing a patch of Creeping Charlie, a kidney shaped leaf with scalloped edges. This herbaceous perennial is familiar to many with a yard.
CREEPING CHARLIE: Hi!
ROB PEREZ: Oh, I, um, thought we were meeting across the way.
CC: Well, I saw you were here and so I just popped over.
RP: Well, I am here but I really would have preferred to meet there.
CC: I thought I’d save you the trouble.
RP: It was no trouble.
CC: I’m very happy to come to you.
RP: I see.
Rob sits.
RP: Well, okay. To start, Mister Charlie…
CC: Please. My friends call me Charlie.
RP: Okay, Charlie. Do you consider yourself… creeping?
CC: It sounds like I’m up to a bit of skullduggery. Which I am not. I am living my best life. Right here, right out in the open, for everyone to see.
RP: Yes, but…
CC: Do I look like a creeper to you?
RP: Well, yes! Are you creeping right now?!
CC: No, I am slowly, imperceptibly, growing.
RP: That’s creeping!
CC: So, if I’m in a hurry, everyone’s like: he’s invading?! But if I slow my roll… then I’m a creeper. I can’t win.
RP: That depends. Are you a weed? CC: Well, let’s get into semantics.
RP: Oh, I like semantics.
CC: What exactly is a weed?
RP: An invasive species.
CC: Do we really want to be in a world where someone decides who’s desirable and who isn’t? I mean, who decides?
RP: The homeowner decides. I think.
CC: Then let me ask you this: You live in the United States of America. Are you native?
RP: Me personally? I dunno. My parents did their 23 and Me and they’re about 40 percent native.
CC: So, they’re only 60 percent invasive? But Europeans are 100 percent invasive and yet…
RP: You’re saying invasive is a matter of perspective. It’s an interesting argument but The Wife really doesn’t want you in our yard.
CC: There will always be haters. But John Lennon challenged us to “imagine a world with no borders”.
RP: Yes, I know. It’s easy if you try. Have you thought about getting out of town?
CC: Oh yes. It’s opener there. In the wide-open air.
RP: Hey… Dr. Seuss!
CC: But we like it in town out of town, absolutely everywhere.
RP: I see. Let’s talk grass. Are you anti-grass?
CC: What’s so good about grass? I mean, Charlie’s green. Charlie’s great ground cover. Charlie thrives on less water. Charlie’s more resilient than grass. In fact, some think Charlie’s less itchy.
RP: So, you consider yourself superior but what’s the end game?
CC: Let’s just say we’re an ambitious bunch.
RP: So, the ultimate goal is…
CC: Honestly? World domination.
RP: Really?
CC: One yard at a time.
RP: Wow. Big plans.
CC: Earth isn’t the only planet.
RP: Hmm. Moving on. Hypothetically, if I were to use a little Round Up…
CC: I get this question a lot. Yes, Round Up kills Charlie. Death comes quick and swift. We know what Round Up does to Charlie. But what, pray tell, does Round Up do to people?
RP: I guess there are some questions about its safety.
CC: Most people don’t do their homework but when a parent company settles 80 percent of the lawsuits against it, they might know something you don’t.
ROB: Yeah, they might.
CC: Look, there’s a lot of focus on Creeping Charlie right now but there really are a lot of fantastic weeds out there. You don’t need Eeyore to tell you that thistles are doing delicious, prickly things. And Dandelions – which is also makes a great tea for humans – have an understated elegance about them. Crabgrass is a master of subtlety. Do you appreciate the deep bench of weeds we have?
RP: Well, I guess I can appreciate that there are a lot of other weeds out there. Maybe that’s a good place to end. (then) Charlie, you, um, really didn’t have to come (gestures) here.
CC: Please. It was my absolute pleasure.
RP: And, do you mind me asking, are you planning on sticking around?
CC: Oh, your lawn is very nice. I think I’ll be very comfortable here. Although, I might want to spread out a bit.
RP: I was afraid of that. I guess you know The Wife is going to make me weed you.
CC: Better men than you have tried and failed but by all means. Maybe you’re The One?
RP: (uncertain) Maybe.
Reluctantly, Rob turns to go back inside. He takes a last look at the Creeping Charlie, sighs, then heads indoors.
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